Speak Your Mind
by Renata Vallazza on Saturday, May 22, 2010 at 10:31am
First of all, it can be difficult finding yourself again. People, mostly women, change themselves to conform to either society or jobs or even to other people - the latter of which happens to be the most common. Why do people do this, some wonder? They do it out of fear of not being accepted for what or who they are on the inside. A friend of mine from a long time ago had posted a quote that said, "Take me as I am or leave me as I was". How nice that quote is. It should be my mantra from now on.
One time, I recall eating at a cafe in St. Augustine and people were playing live music. These were people I was familiar with and so, when they decided to change the song their were about to play to something else, I shouted at them. "Hey! I like the other song! Play the other song!" The look that was given to me by my date across from me was a look of scorn and disdain. "How the **** could you do something like that?! That's so low class!"
I remember thinking to myself, "Are you kidding me?! I know these people. Why does it matter to him if I shout at someone I know?" Apparently, my date was not used to that. My date was not used to me being me.
Growing up in my family, we exchanged some crass or plain silly humor that most people would be shocked at. For me, it was normal if we were a little loud, but we also knew our boundaries. We would never openly laugh at someone if it were obvious that pain might be inflicted from our jesting or other people making fun of them. We would laugh afterwards. Our family friends knew that while we had our sense of humor, we were also compassionate and mannerly people. Just because we're outspoken or crass doesn't mean that we don't know where to stop the line. All we wanted to do was share that humor with others and brighten other people's days.
My date didn't know that. I don't think he wanted to know why I would shout at people in bars or cafes to go back to the song. My friends knew. They understood me. He never wanted to understand. It was his way, or the highway.
At that time, I didn't have the means to take "The Highway". I was several months pregnant and I had moved back and forth between Kansas and Florida several times in the course of 3 years. I didn't have the money to move again as I had wasted it on a very expensive apartment in Kansas City. So....I conformed and I shrank on the inside and I was not myself.
I was told that sometimes my clothing made me look homeless. What kind of pregnant woman wants to hear that? I did not have the courage to speak up like I would have before, although the things that I said to that person in my head would have definitely made up for more than what I really wanted to say. Sometimes I was told that I was crazy or that I had other mental problems. Those kinds of comments wore me down and I would just keep my mouth shut.
It's not nice to be oppressed or suppressed. Especially when you want to speak your mind. How are you supposed to get your point across?
Other times, when I had a good idea, it would get crushed because it did not make sense to the person it was projected to. 'No, why the **** would you come up with an idea so stupid?!" Just because it's not YOUR idea, does not mean that it's stupid. Listen and maybe you'll learn some listening and comprehension skills.
I remember one time, currently it's been about five years since I worked in Maine at a summer camp for girls, I had wanted to cheer some of the campers up that would come into the office. The girls would be there for the entire summer, so they needed some cheering up and motherly advice, etc. I decided to crack some jokes. Since I worked in the office and it was my job to open the mail, answer phones, greet campers parents, etc, I had to be hardnosed, which was not really my style. "I'm the Office Nazi - you gotta get through me to get anything done here."
Some of the campers laughed and said I was funny. One of them, who did not have a sense of humor, said to me "You'se workin' at a Jewish camp..."
Oh my..... Of course, with times like that, I wished I HAD kept my mouth shut. But the other campers said they understood that I wasn't making cracks about Nazi's and Jews. They knew it was a term for being bitchy in the office - which they knew I wasn't really.
There have been other times that I surprise my friends with some of the things that I say or do, but they know me and know that I'm just being myself. If they need to reproach me, which is not often, they do it in a way that's not going to be detrimental. Most of the time though, my friends will laugh and keep going on with their life.
I felt that for a while, a part of me had died. It's only been recently that my courage and outspokenness has returned. Some wonder where it was hiding, others wonder where in the world it came from.
God will give me my tongue when it is absolutely needed and I hope that it works like a bolt of lightning. Hopefully in both good and bad ways. I hope it makes those people who need to hear the absolute truth wither up inside and make their mean words rot inside themselves until they choke on them. That's what I want.
I'm not going to change myself drastically for someone like I have done in the past. I need to rediscover myself. Maybe little changes here and there, but not like before.
The Adventures of Old Ren have returned.....
Stay tuned.....
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