As a straight woman, I have always been boy crazy.
I can remember in pre-school, chasing after a kid named Mark because I thought he was cute. I remember telling him that we should live in his tree house and be mommy and daddy to my Barbies and GI Joes. Mark was impressed because not only did I play with girl toys, I had amassed some boy toys like G.I. Joe's and Transformers and played in the mud. :D
My dad never had a son. I think out of all his daughters, I am the most tomboyish. I played with trucks and cars. I played in the mud. I even had my own toy weed-whacker. Anytime my dad was outside, I went outside to tinker on his cars. Sometimes, I'd climb his ladder to paint the house a gharish color, thus I pretended that I knew what I was doing too. :)
I also had my feminine side. I wore dresses, though I ripped a few of them playing in the mud or tumbling down the hill, or climbing the trees that existed in the yard before my dad got chainsaw happy and chopped them all down. I would ride my bike up and down the street with my friends.
My first day of kindergarten, I chased after a little 1st grader named Drew. I couldn't explain then why I thought he was cute. However, I happily chased after him on the playground every day until he broke my heart. He told me that I couldn't be his girlfriend because Jesus wouldn't like it. I went to a private, Christian school growing up from pre-K until the first month of 7th grade. The school folk were very conservative people, though my family really wasn't, I was to find out later. We have had some scandalous history, but that will be another blog post.
For a Kindergartener to want to "marry" a 1st grader was sacrilege.
I was a kid. How was I supposed to know that you weren't supposed to do that? Little kids are innocent.
I went home and told my mom that Drew no longer wanted to be my husband.
My mom, thinking that I was really and honestly saying that I wanted to marry at the age of 5, freaked out.
"You're not supposed to get married until you're over the age of 25! You can't even date until you're 16!" Mom exclaimed.
I had no idea what dating was. I knew vaguely that it was when a boy held your hand and kissed you on the mouth. I knew this because I have 5 older sisters. I'm the baby of the family, so the information that I knew was second-hand information. However, by the time I left Kindergarten, I knew more about sex and dating than all my other friends because one of my sisters was about to have a baby.
K had her baby when I was five and a half. My oldest niece is more of my little sister than my niece, but that's because I had to take care of her whenever they (meaning K's other kids) would come over.
I grew and grew. By the time I was in 3rd grade, I had developed a huge crush on the new kid, Roger. I met Roger when I was leading the praise and worship the day he arrived to our class. I was using my jean skirt as a drum while I was singing praises to Jesus. He walked in and I fell instantly for that cute face. He had dark skin, brown hair and brown eyes. I remember he stared at me and I thought, "I'm going to marry him!".
It turns out that Roger felt the same way. One day, after I had had a bout with an upper respiratory infection, I had to stay inside while everyone else, but Roger and I, went outside to play in the snow.
Roger and I were at the computer together playing a game when he confessed something to me.
"Renny...? Can I tell you something? I....I....I think I love you!" he blushed.
I was on Cloud 9!!!! I confessed that I liked him too.
He told me he had fallen in love with me the moment he saw me singing the first day that he had classes. He then said that we were going to get married in the 12th grade. Gosh, I remember thinking to myself, that's a long time away, but I can wait! He would chew on duct tape and then leave it in my desk. It was his sign, he said, that he loved me. I was ridiculous enough to believe and accept that. What can I say, I was nine!
Our romance was short lived.
One thing about Roger was that he was a HUGE flirt. Ever since I was a kid, I have always valued fidelity. I think that was something that I learned right after my grandmother had passed away and I truly found out that my grandparents had not been married at all throughout the years. My grandfather had had his dalliances, but again, that will be another post for another day. Roger began to flirt with one of the other girls in class. I was heartbroken. It took me until the 6th grade to get over it and actually be able to talk to Roger in class without getting annoyed. I reflect on that incident. I was so naïve that I could have let a simple flirtation as talking to one of the other girls to bother me so for three years.
Roger and I ended up in the same freshman high school English class. We actually began to talk about dating again, but then his dad got stationed in Wyoming and I never heard from him again.
From 3rd grade on, I developed crushes on the other boys in school. In 8th grade, I "went out" with this kid named Scott. I had had a crush on him all throughout 7th grade until I found out that he was 2 weeks younger than me. The day I found that out, I was crushed. I didn't want to date someone younger than me. Well...I eventually got over it because we dated for 6 weeks. It was only via phone that we would talk. We didn't even have the same classes in 8th grade. By 9th grade, our disdain for one another was so great, that we couldn't even sit at the same lunch table without throwing eye daggers at one another. Again, I can't even fathom why we broke up. Again...it's probably for something dumb and trivial. I remember trying to hide the fact from my mom that I was "going out" with someone when I was 14. I was going to tell her when I was a grown up, because she would have gotten livid had she known that I was "dating" someone, though it was innocent phone conversation at the time. IM had not been invented then, or if it had, there was a monthly fee and dial-up was all that existed at the time.
My only REAL high school romance was with the head drummer of the high school marching band. I played the flute and piccolo in the marching band all four years of high school, eventually becoming section leader my senior year. In any case, my junior year, my friend "F" and I became close, and I eventually asked if he would be interested in accompanying me to "WPA" or "Women Pay All" which was my high school's version of "Sadie Hawkins", where the girl pays for the tickets and dinner. I paid for the tickets, but he insisted on paying for dinner.
I remember being nervous when he came to pick me up. I didn't want my mother to interrogate him and I didn't want my dad chasing after him with his Magical Bat. My father had a bat that he used on certain members of the male sex if he felt they needed some threatening. I believe he still carries it from time to time when he walks the dogs. He insists it's for his own and the dogs protection. I think he gets a high from feeling macho that way. Oh, Papi...sigh...
F arrived early and of course, my mother did interrogate him. She asked him where he went to church, what was his family name, did he have any siblings? Was he wealthy? Etc...I was so embarrassed that I quickly had my mom take pictures and we peaced out of there like Suzy Lightning...
We went to a restaurant, J. Gilbert's, a wood-fired steak house, on 91st and Metcalf Ave. in Overland Park, KS. We split a medium-rare t-bone steak with mashed potatoes and green beans. I was so nervous, but he must have been more nervous. The moment he asked me, "Do you believe in Evolution?" and I said, "No, I believe in creationism," his nose began to bleed like a leaky faucet.
I didn't know what to do or say, so I said nothing and forked a piece of rare steak in my mouth and continued to chew. F excused himself to the bathroom before he bled all over the table. He returned 10 minutes later and apologized. I said it was nothing, because, honestly...what can you do in a situation like that? Nothing...
We ended up dating for three months after that. I discovered we had a very interesting quirk in common when he confessed to me that he liked to eat cinnamon rolls dipped in BBQ sauce.
My heart stopped. I had met my soulmate!
I looked at him too with my eyes really big and said, "Me too!"
F looked at me very incredulously. No way, he said.
I told him that when I first started attending school in the Shawnee Mission School District, whenever they had Chicken Nugget day, I would get a huge cinnamon roll and dip it in the BBQ sauce. Anytime after that, our dates would consist of dipping cinnamon rolls in BBQ sauce.
Things happen for a reason, and thus, towards the end of my junior year, we parted ways. I think it may have been because I had had a huge crush on a kid named Nermal. Nermal was in the grade above me. Of course, that's not his real name, but that was his nickname that he was known by. Nermal and I had developed feelings for one another my sophomore year. We had been in a play together where we were parents to a Cabbage Patch doll. I had read an article a few months in "Seventeen" before that if you wanted to have a man fall in love with you, you smiled at them, and would look in their eyes, smile again...then look away. By the end of the play, I had the boy in my hands. Other girls would try super hard to get him to talk to them, but he would only talk to me. I say this with certainty because Nermal, never...and I mean, NEVER talked to girls...EVER. By Nermal's senior year, I was still waiting for Nermal to ask me out, but he never did. So I finally gave up and started dating F. Nermal was more than likely heartbroken, but he continued to flirt and I wasn't about to turn down his flirting. I enjoyed the attention...especially from Nermal. (sigh...) I ended up having a crush on Nermal for 10 years after graduation. I then found him on social media and discovered that the Nermal of my high school dreams had gone from a cute, fit boy into a huge, beer guzzling viking. I was devastated.
In any case, back to F. Word may have gotten out that I still had feelings for Nermal, though Nermal never could get the courage to ask me out...ever. F finally got rid of me. Even though I had a crush on the other guy, I still really liked F. It took me a year to get over that break up. My senior year was spent taking as many classes as possible so that I could graduate at semester. I spent my final semester of my senior year working two jobs and taking one night class for my English requirement.
I worked a lot from the time I graduated until I moved to Florida. Throughout that time, which was three years, I dated two guys. A cop named Ben. My uncle worked at the police station as their finance guy. I discovered this one day when a very handsome police officer came in to check out a very classy line of candles we sold at the candle shop. He was with his partner and asking me questions about the candles. I thought he was kind of cute and so I began to flirt. I asked if he needed an "in house decorator". He just stopped and looked and then asked me, "when are you working again?" He would come by from time to time to chat with me. He even invited me on a ride along, which meant that you could actually ride in the car with the cop in the front...pretty cool, but the City of Mission is tiny...what could possibly happen in Mission except petty theft? lol. Don't know what happened there, but I think the age difference between us was a huge factor. I was 19 and he was 29. He was in a different place in his life and mine was just about to start. My sister Ana would joke, "it's Ben and Ren!" though the only person to really know him was my uncle. My uncle spoke very positively about Sir Ben...oh well...
The next guy was a guy I like to call Hindu Steve. He was really Hindu at all. His dad was a Lutheran minister. Steve was very dark skinned, but he was cute. I liked his personality, but things got kind of weird because he was still trying to woo his ex back. Not cool, man... We only went out to dinner once, but he used to visit me at the candle shop, so I guess you could call that dating. We used to talk for hours.
I then moved to Florida when I was 21.
Within the first month of me moving to Florida, I had started dating someone who I thought was serious, The Cuban. I am the type of person that I don't date someone unless I think the person has serious potential. I was sooooo wrong about this guy. He took a lot more from me than most. Let's just say that this guy was a first for many things.
We "dated" for about 6 months, off and on. I eventually broke things off because I told him I felt cheap and worthless each time we were together. His response was, "So we're not going to make love anymore?" I gave him a look that said, "we don't make love...we f*ck....""
I then went on a wild streak where I just would go out with guys to feel better about myself. I would tell them straight up front, "I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm just looking for some temporary comfort" and they were fine with that.
I then met my son's father and I fell head over heels in love with him. Of course, I thought he was the same way with me, too.
Perhaps he was for a short moment...I will never really know.
I do know that he cheated on me constantly with lots of women, many of them being exes of his and/or co-workers or random women he met in obscure cities. I am a very loving person. I love to show affection. I love to "get down", if you know what I mean. He strayed not because I wasn't giving him what he needed. He would turn me down every single time I wanted to jive. He was and still is, a serial cheater.
I was devastated after finding out about his multiple infidelities. I am a very faithful person. When I am with someone, I am with that person 100%. I don't cheat. I don't need to cheat. If I felt the need to, I would have to end things with the person that I am with, but even then, hurting someone is still not my forté.
After ending things with my son's father, I went out on a handful of dates. None of them were really interesting. I had a "go to Friend" who was there anytime that either one of us needed anything, but that was few and far between.
Last year, I received some information that was somewhat liberating and I went out on a dating spree. I went out with more guys than I ever have. Mostly coffee dates. Only two guys that were really interesting. One dropped off the face of the earth after my mom scared him him off unintentionally. The other lasted for two months and then inexplicably disappeared, saying he needed to take some "time off" in a text. He most certainly "took off". After that, I developed a mutual 'friendship' with someone who eventually ended up falling for me. I was like "no". That wasn't going to happen. I didn't like the fact that his mother couldn't accept that her son was dating someone else, much less her former daughter-in-law. The hostility and helicoptering I encountered from this woman was mind-boggling. I finally cut things off with that guy because I couldn't stand his mother not to mention, spending time in the backseat of his car was very "high school" and I could waste my time doing those things with someone else whose company was more enjoyable.
Lately, I have been in a dating limbo.
I would like to find that one person that will accept me for who I am, but also the fact that I have a kid. Some guys are okay with that and others are not.
I had started dating someone this year who I thought, and still think, has a lot of potential. However, I just don't understand how a guy who relentlessly pursues you suddenly drops off the face of the planet.
This most recent person is a single parent like myself. Fine, upstanding guy. Kind of cute, but most loving and fun personality. However, he is going through some of his own trials and tribulations and kind of abruptly cut things off just recently.
Keep in mind, we've never done anything further than hold hands and kiss. Most people know me as a Rocket when it comes to getting down to business. The fact that I haven't gone to Chinatown with this guy is a first. To my friends, and perhaps myself, it means that I may have found a keeper...but things were cut off abruptly...He finally explained to me why he was avoiding me..."too fast, too soon". If I was going too fast, too soon, maybe it was because I was responding to what he was saying or doing...why is that a crime? I'm MAD!!!! I'm really upset and my feelings are hurt. I know I'll get over it...but I find few men that I can communicate with well.
I'm wondering when these whole dating shenanigans are going to end?
I'm sick of games. I'm just wanting to find someone who likes me, accepts me for the weirdo that I am, accepts the fact that I have a kid with someone else and that I can get along decently with my son's dad, and isn't going to go running off to the hills. I want to eventually get married or at least have a committed relationship. Maybe I'll have more kids. I love children.
So when is that going to happen?
I don't date for a particular reason and this is why. I have better things to waste my time with. I'd much rather have a crush on someone for years who lives in a foreign country and try to figure out how to end up with them, than date someone here in my city who has hang-ups, albeit very valid ones. I get told, "you're an amazing woman. You're wife material" but I don't want to be with you...
Screw dating....
I'm turning back into a hermit.
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