Cynical de Boobalac

Today I am feeling quite cynical.

I could go into a long tirade about why, but I'll keep it short and to the point.

I get annoyed when I am bugged by men.  Meaning, that I tire easily of their wooing, so to say.

Why would a man go to the trouble of pursuing a woman relentlessly and then just drop off the face of the earth without so much a backwards glance?

I am very, VERY cautious when I enter a possible new relationship with a new male I don't know well.  I tell them to tell me up front that if they just want only sex, they have to say so. I can shut a part of my brain off that is just reserved for those lucky fellows for love.

I once had been with someone for a few months just for the sole purpose of satisfying some very much desired needs.  I'm a woman who has needs, and when those needs are not being met, I take matters into my own hands.  In any case, this particular individual began to exhibit more than necessary feelings and I squashed those by no longer seeing him.

When I spend my time being cautious with someone new, and they consistently exhibit feelings of interest that span more than just sex, I can do either one of two things. I can run for the hills and never see said person again, which is usually the case.  Or I respond, which is hardly ever the case.

Recently, I began to respond, slowly (or so I thought) to the latter with someone I think/thought (still not sure exactly WHAT I think of him at this particular moment, except annoyance) has a lot of potential.  We consistently dated for a few weeks. I then went to another city to visit one of my long lost sisters, and he dropped off the face of the planet.

When I finally got to talk to him on the phone two weeks later (after various attempts of texting/message him via social media) he confessed to me that he thought we were going too quickly.

How does hanging out, watching movies, going to the gym, being a date to two weddings equate as going too fast?

Correct me if I am wrong here...because I might be in LaLaLand, but how is that going too fast?  Sure, we spent the night in the same bed, but the most we did was kiss and cuddle.

I am confused...

He also confessed some other issues that were/are going on in his life which I could see may put up some obstacles, but not overall road blocks.

All I know is that I am sad. :(

This is someone who is very communicative when he does talk.  I did accuse him of hiding under a rock when he went into crisis. That's okay. Sometimes, I need and desire time to myself to get over something that has gone awry.

Last night, I was feeling really depressed after having had what I think was a panic attack at work. I couldn't breathe because I'd been diagnosed with pleurisy earlier this week.  I panicked because I couldn't breathe and then I got shortness of breath...it was awful.

In any case, a friend of mine made an observation saying, "You were really cautious getting into this whole relationship. It seemed that things were moving along quite consistently, so I don't get what happened?"

Another friend of mine decided that she would come over and cheer me up. So we went to my favorite Turkish bar where there is a very good looking Turkish waiter.  I think he likes me, but I'm still not sure...I prefer men to be direct. When someone beats around the bush, I still don't get it... El Turco is never really direct. On top of that, he is way younger than I am. I don't want to be a Cougar.

El Turco was there and my friend was being exuberant, which is what I needed yesterday.

While sitting at the table, waiting for El Turco to serve us our food, I decided out of spite to reopen my Plenty of Fish account.  In less than 15 minutes, I got 10 messages.  While that might make me feel better about my self-esteem, I'm not sure I want all of that attention online. I want something I can hold.

But then again...why bother?  It's going to slip right out of my hands again.

All they see is a beautiful woman, with big boobs, long hair and a dazzling smile. They don't care what's inside. They shudder to think of a woman with a kid.

Why are there so many single mom's out there?  I can say why I'm a single mom. My son's father cheated and still cheats. I question God's workings.  Why are good people treated so poorly?

I believe I am a nice person. I care for my friends. I care for my family. I have a good heart (or at least, what's left of it).

Sorry for the rant, but I'm just annoyed...