Life's Little Annoyances

Today, as my title above states, I am annoyed.

This is a funny picture actually...

I am annoyed for many reasons.  I will, of course, list them below and talk about them as I’ve been repressed for a while.  I just need to vent which I’m doing right now.  I think hormones are killing me inside since the visit from Aunt Flo this week has just rendered me impossible to function.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen my dear old aunt, several months actually…argh!

In any case…my blog today has nothing to do with my menstrual cycle. 

Have you even felt a quiet rage inside of you?  I mean, like one that you can sense inside of you, but you’re not sure how to expel it? 

I sit here on my couch in my living room alone with my feet propped up on a stability ball and what I really want to do is punch my fist through the wall.  Knowing what that will happen if I do it, I’m not going to.  I’ve always felt that if I write down exactly what I’m feeling, I’ll get it off my chest.  I should then later go on a rage walk and I’ll feel ten times better!

Okay, so back on track.  Today I went to a kid’s birthday party where my son and I had so much fun!  I entertained people by telling stories and also met some new mom’s and dad’s.  Most of the parents were couples.  In fact, I think I was the only single person there.  That actually didn’t bother me though.  I was merely enjoying myself at the party talking to other adults my age and my son was having a lot of fun with kids, toys and building sand castles.  We had a blast!  A really great time!  Then it was time to go because my son’s Other Maker was scheduled to have him for the night before he goes off for vacation or work or whoever-gives-a-s#!t-where for the next couple of weeks.

When I said, “GC, you’re going to your dad’s house.  Isn’t that fun?!  You’re going to have so much fun with your dad, your uncle and your grandparents and your uncle’s girlfriend (who is very nice, I might add).  You’ll have a blast!  Mommy will get you tomorrow from school.”

My son looked at me and then immediately ran away to hide.

I’ve been down this road before.  My son does this even to his dad when his dad tells him “You’re going to mommy’s house”.  I’ve even witnessed it before on his dad’s end.  Does it hurt?  Yeah, I guess so.  But I understand where my son is coming from.  I understand if he doesn’t want to see me.  However, it’s rare or few and far between that he does that with his dad when he comes to see me.  I see it more often when he goes off to his dad’s house.

Here I shall interject as I usually do and say that I do not bad mouth my son’s father in front of our son.  It’s in bad taste to do that in front of your kid with someone else you’re no longer with.  I try to say as many great things and qualities that his father really does possess to my son.  Like, “Your papi is going to play cars with you!”  or “Your papi is going to take you to the park and play baseball/soccer/basketball with you!” or “You’re going to have so much fun with your dad!!”.   And I really do try to say positive things about his dad to other people in front of our kid, like “My son’s father is really smart when it comes to cars/computers, etc.”  “His dad is fluent in many languages” “His dad loves to play with our son”  etc.  I try to hype my son up so he’ll get excited when he sees his dad so that he won’t miss me nor dislike being at his dad’s house.

I don’t know what it is though about when he goes to his dad’s house that he bursts into tears and doesn’t want to go.  I actually believe it’s not his dad, but a certain person who lives with his dad.  (It’s not a new girlfriend that’s living there either that’s causing my son to not want to go there. At least, not that I know, nor care to know of. She'll get cheated on too, so I don't care.)

Today, I drop my son off at his dad’s house, the house that I used to live in that still has my name on it, mind you.  (So it’s still my house, on paper…)  I text his dad to tell him we’re outside.  My son is still sleeping in the back seat from his exertions from earlier in the day.  I wake my son up and say with enthusiasm, “We’re here at papi’s house!  Aren’t you excited?!”.

My son looks at me, bursts into tears and says, “I just wanna stay with you, Mommy!!!!”.  This round of crying has been the worst I have ever seen him do.  He cried for two minutes straight with heart wrenching sobs.  His dad comes out and sees him crying.  I have to explain to his dad that our son doesn’t really want to go with him, but I know my son will have fun with his dad because he really and honestly always does.

His father shrugs and says, “It’ll be okay.  He’ll have fun.”  He turns to our son and says, “You’ll get to see Mommy tomorrow!”.  Which is true. I’ll probably buy him an ice cream too for some special Mommy and Son time.  His father goes back inside really quickly to reimburse me for some photos.  I unbuckle my son and tell him to come cuddle and sit with me in the driver’s side while I convince him that he’s going to have so much fun at Papi’s house.  He repeats that he just wants to stay with me when I see his grandmother (his dad’s mom of course) come waddling out of the house.

Yet again I will interject and say something further.  I genuinely like almost everybody that I know.  If I don’t like someone it’s for a real reason that other people can identify as well, so I know I’m not crazy.  The people I don’t like I treat with politeness and respect, but I keep myself at a distance.  As you can probably surmise, I do not like this woman. 

I find that my ex MIL is calculating and hypocritical.  She is the type of person that says she’ll support you in a decision about something, but then at the last minute changes her mind.  That’s okay, as people can change their minds about whatever they want. We humans all have free will, so go for it.  However, when it happens to not only you, but to different people as well, including her own siblings, nieces, nephews and children, you wonder if this woman is okay.   

There was an “ex friend”, as I will call this other woman, of my ex’s that I didn’t like as well.  As you can hopefully tell by the fact that I put quotes around ex friend, it was someone that my ex had had a past with.  Of course, as with most women that he’s friends with, he had slept with her.  This “ex friend” even to this day still comes around and tries to flirt and tempt my son’s father.  This woman is MARRIED.  She’s been with her husband for almost 7 years and she still doesn’t get it…anyways… I like to call this woman “Mete la Pata” (Stick your Foot In) since she’s always in everyone’s business.  I could go on and on, but I don’t have time for reminiscing.  One day, I had politely invited my ex in laws over for dinner and their cell phone rings and it’s “Mete La Pata”.  This woman has moved to another state, mind you.  As I find out that it’s her as I’m listening to my ex FIL announce Mete La Pata’s real name, I grimace.  My ex MIL sees my expression and says loudly, “Dile a *********  que estamos en la casa de Renata (Tell ********* that we’re at Renata’s house).  I see the gleam of connivance in my MIL eyes.   I wonder about my FIL, who is the NICEST man, and I truly say that with all sincerity and I wonder what the hell he’s doing with a woman like my ex MIL.  It’s mind boggling.  That woman even has both of her sons’ testicles in a vice.

I’ll give another example.

When I first moved into the house with my ex, it was my ex, his brother, my son and I.  We all lived there and every Christmas, the in-laws would come visit.  It would be fun because I knew they would go back to their own country in two weeks and then my house would go back to normal.  My birthday is four days after Christmas. So they were always there for my birthday. BLAH... My ex decided to give me a “gift” of sorts.  I busy “unwrapping” my “gift” when all of a sudden, there’s a knock at the bedroom door.  Being that both of us are “busy”, we don’t answer.  However, persistence kept her hand knocking and she says in her quacking voice, “What are you doing in there?”.

What I really wanted to do was launch a shoe at the door and say, “Dammit, lady!!! I’m getting laid for the first time in months!!!!  F*ck off!!!!”  but I didn’t.  I said, “We’re sleeping.”  (Which was BS).  She asked her son to come out and help her.  He said, “Wait a minute.  I’m still sleeping.”  She was not satisfied with that answer and angrily demanded that he come out and help her with what she needed done pronto!

It turns out that she wanted a CD put in the player and she couldn’t do it herself.  Poor thing!  She was used to having a maid and a nanny do everything for her.  I have no pity for people like that.  Of course, as a dutiful son, he goes to help her, comes back and we try to finish what we started, but the whole birthday experience was ruined.  He then had the gall to tell me I was terrible in the sack….How’s that for self-esteem?!

Those are just a few examples….things got worse when they moved in. 

I really like my ex FIL.  I really do.  He’s one of the most noble men I have ever met.  He’s truly kind and seems to really worry about the welfare of other people.  He’s not viscous or mean out of spite.  But I still don’t understand why he’s still with my ex MIL.  When they moved in, my relationship with their son went into the crapper.  (Funny, too, because toilets have a point later on in my blog).  My son loved having his parents around.  That meant that we had built in babysitting all the time, though we never went out just the two of us on dates.  Someone was always home and there was someone to help cook and wash dishes.  That someone was my poor FIL.  His wife lays in bed like a cat.  She eats all day.  Snoozes on the couch.  Watches TV when she’s not snoozing or talks on the phone gossiping about people in her own family to other friends or family members.  She’ll yell out, “****, trae me eso!” (so and so, bring me that!).  What’s even worse and I’m not even joking here, she sound like a quacking, droning vacuum.  QUACK QUACK QUACK is all I hear when she talks….I shudder and get goose bumps as I type just thinking about it.

Since I’m close to my mother, I wanted to be close to my MIL when she moved in.  I wanted to have a bonding experience with her.  I truly wanted for us to either go shopping together or get our nails done or do something maternal.  Just SOME KIND of bonding experience.  But she was never interested in what I had to offer.  I asked her what kinds of things she liked doing, but she could never really tell me.  I can say that I really honestly tried to connect with her on some level, whether it was music, movies, books, art, SOMETHING to find that we may have had in common. 

After living with my BIL for four years and then having my in laws move in the last year I was with their oldest son, I could no longer handle having them live there.  I gave my ex an ultimatum – either they leave or GC and I leave.  It didn’t mean that we would no longer socialize with them.  On the contrary, I wanted us to have a normal, functioning relationship, but I wanted them to have their own place.  I even suggested that we find a much bigger house and they have their own suite.  I had never lived alone with their son…ever. I think that's important for ANY RELATIONSHIP.  But because he is loyal to his family, he chose them.  That’s okay too.  It shows me that he really loves his family.  There comes a time that you have to cut the cord.  Her oldest, my ex, is in his mid 30s and he lives at home with parents.  Rather, they live with him.  His brother lives there.  His brother’s girlfriend lives there too.  (Well, from what my ex has told me, which brings me to below).

Once, a few weeks ago, just to be polite and be friendly, I asked my ex, “So, how are things going?”

He shook his head.  “Well, things are not going so good.  My parents eat all my food and my brother’s girlfriend practically has moved in.  No one helps me with the bills and they’re using a lot of electricity.”  Blah, blah, blah. 

I looked at him with raised eyebrows and practically no sympathy as I said, ‘You chose them over your son and I.  Don’t complain to me about that.  You wanted to live with them and you got exactly what you asked for.  So enjoy yourself and buckle up for the ride.”

So back to the fact that my son’s grandmother was waddling out of the house.  She really does do that, so maybe she is a duck. QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!!

I’m trying to comfort my son and tell him that he’s going to have so much fun with his dad when she comes out of the house and walks towards my car.  My son sees her and lurches himself back into his car seat and I roll down the window.  I say hello to her in Spanish and she quackingly asks me why I didn’t come into the house.

I snorted, “Because I don’t want to.”

She tells me, “you should leave that behind”.  Maybe she’s right.  I know I do have to get over it eventually and I know I will.  I am just bitter.

Here’s my other beef.  How would you feel if the house you put your name on and that you no longer live in is inhabited by some of the most emotionally destructive people ever?

I went over for Christmas Eve dinner because they asked me to.  I honestly didn’t want to be there at all, but I did it because my son should be with his family.  I wanted to be with my family for Christmas but that’s a long way to drive.  She later commented to one of her sisters, ‘Renata was being kind of weird at dinner, don’t you think?”.  Don’t ask me how I found out.  I have sleuthing ways… ;)

Well, what do you think you would do if you had to sit through a terrible Christmas dinner in what used to be your own house that you used to entertain guests that you no longer reside in because SOMEBODY had to be a horse’s ass and cheat on you and choose other people over you?  I’d act the same damn way.  I’d be uncomfortable too. 

Things are not the same way as they used to be and nor will they be.  It’s really sad for my son because I truly wanted family unity.  Perhaps, and I truly hope and pray, that I will get that with the next person that rolls along.  Along with someone who doesn't cheat on me.

I mentioned earlier that toilets had something to do with this blog.  A few nights ago, I dreamt of cleaning a bathroom.  In the dream, I also dreamt that I was trying to fix the position of the toilet.  I apparently didn’t like where the toilet was placed on the floor.  Mind you, this is already an established toilet that has been in the bathroom for years.  I decide that I want to move it closer to the bathtub, but then I realize it’s too close to the tub.  You would have to squat on the toilet with your knees by your ears.  So I move it.  The toilet, which had nothing in it at all, not even water, begins to overflow.  So I move it again.  It now begins to back up with sewage.  In my dream, it’s the worst smell ever.  There’s poop everywhere, dirty water and this toilet is just a fountain of overflowing crap.

I wake up and immediately go to www.dreammoods.com which is a website that you can enter keywords from dreams that you have.  So I enter the word “Toilet” and this is what comes back to me.  It comes back with three possible keywords of “Bathroom”, “Toilet” and “Feces”.  Very interesting too.

Bathroom
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, a bathroom symbolizes purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically. 

To dream that you are in a public restroom with no stalls or that there are a lot of people around while you are trying to do your business signifies your frustrations about getting enough privacy. You are always putting others ahead of your own needs. As a result, you are lacking a sense of personal space. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions. You are afraid that if you reveal these feelings, then others around you will judge and criticize you. If you dream that you are in a bathroom meant for the opposite sex, then it suggests that you are overstepping your boundaries.You have crossed the line in some situation.

To dream that you can not find the bathroom or that you have difficulties finding one indicates that you have difficulties in releasing and expressing your emotions. You are holding back your true feelings about something.

Toilet
To see a toilet in your dream symbolizes a release of emotions. You need to get rid of something in your life that is useless. Seeing a toilet in your dream may also be a physical manifestation brought about by a full bladder. The dream is attempting to get you up and to the bathroom. If you are cleaning the toilet, then it means that you are starting to shed your outer wall or lose your inhibitions.

To see a clogged toilet in your dream suggests that you are holding and keeping your feelings to yourself. Your emotions have been pent up too long and you need to let go of the negative feelings.

To see an overflowing or flooded toilet in your dream denotes your desires to fully express your emotions

Feces
To see or come in contact with feces signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life. Alternatively, it may also refer to someone who is anal retentive.

To dream that you are unable to dispose of the feces suggests that you are unwilling to let go of your emotions. You have a tendency to hold in and keep your feelings to yourself.

According to Freud, feces is related to possession, pride, shame, money/financial matters, or aggressive acts.�So to dream that you are playing with feces symbolizes your anxiety over money matters and financial security.

So, lately, I’ve been having frustrations of expressing myself.  I’ve also been having problems with money.  It’s been a crazy couple of months, I’ll tell you.

I’m struggling with my ex MIL and also with my finances and it’s all jumbled into one.

I fear the day that I do blow up like that toilet and all those nasty, vile things that I’ve pent up will come spewing forth.  Perhaps it is necessary and maybe things will get better from that point.

It would be nice.

We’ll see.  Who knows.