The Walls Came Tumbling Down

In recent months, I finally took that fateful step and left my son's father.

I'd (and I'm pretty sure others I know well) would say it's about time!  I feel that I have put up with a lot in the past five years. 

I know that the decision I made was the right one.

I mean, the negatives outweigh the positives.  Here's why:

• No longer being accused of being a "sex-addict". I would I initiate sex once a month or once every two months.  Now, I don't know about you, but that's a record for a SEX ADDICT, don't you think?  I mean, what's wrong with a man who doesn't want to have sex and would rather masturbate to Fat Lady Porn when he's in a relationship, especially when his woman is only 20 feet away? Don't all straight men want to have lots of sex?!
• No longer worrying about being ignored because there's a baseball or soccer game on television.
• Not having to worry about whether his poker/basketball/baseball/soccer game with a relative is going to minimize the time spent with one another.  Sure!  You go ahead and play five days a week for three hours each.  I don't matter, so you go have a good time!
• No longer living with family members in the house for years who either enjoy interfering and/or are oblivious to the needs of a couple.
• Being left out of overseas trips for the "un-obvious" reasons of visiting ex-girlfriends or new squeezes.  Bring back a souvenir from her bedroom for me please! I'd like a side of thong with that!
• I don't have to worry about him visiting said ex-girlfriend 3 weeks after our next child is born, because, there will not be a second child with him. 
• No longer feeling that I do not matter.
• Not finding condoms or other weird shit in closets when I put his things away after doing laundry. His excuse was first that they were his brothers, then that his mom suggested he use them after having had our son. Whatever...  
• No longer having to worry about his temper exploding because I was short on my part of the mortgage, simply because I had to pay for our son's needs.
• No longer worrying that my salary is two times less than what some skinflint makes.
• No longer worrying "Will he ask me to marry him?!"
• No longer being told that I am stupid or ask stupid questions. - That's just fucked up.
• No longer worry that when I do clean, it will not get destroyed in two seconds by overgrown boys.
• Not being told that I'm low class just because I shout out loud in happiness at someone.
• Not being told that I look homeless simply because I could not afford clothes when I had a low paying job. You want to complain about my style?  YOU buy me clothes.
• I will be queen of my own house!

Somethings are done for the best, even though it really does hurt the feelings of both parties.

I am not stupid, though.  Can he honestly think that I believed him when he said that he didn't do "anything" with his ex-girlfriend when he went to see her only three weeks after our son was born?  Does he think I'm dumb when he tells me about some Canadian actress he met that works for Disney is "just a friend"?  What about Ms. "Work Activity"  or "Chicken Kiev"?  I am not stupid.  For all intents and purposes, if that's where your libido has gone, well at least I'm glad to know you're not gay!

However, how damaging is that for a woman to feel that she's not sexy....or beautiful?  What about loved?  That psychological bull shit can takes years to reverse.  I know he loved me at some point, but I certainly do not like being told (several times, in fact) that I am "the woman who ruined" his life when I got pregnant with our son.  It's not like I stuck a turkey baster up my birth canal, squeezed the bulb, and WHOOSH!  impregnated myself using sperm from a sperm bank.

There was a short time right after our son was born that I truly think he lost his marbles.  One night, our son was three months old, he's in my arms and his father and I were arguing.  There was a moment in which he said, "it would have been better if you had just gotten an abortion".  How could anyone, ANYONE say that when your child is present, irregardless if they comprehend or not?  He also mentioned that if I were to get pregnant again, he would have me take a paternity test.  What kind of an asshole says that?! I'm not a cheater!

He changed over the years though.  He became more affectionate with our boy, therefore regretting the "abortion" comment. He gradually loosened his pocket book for him.

He is motivated by money.  That's all he wants.  From stories I have heard both from the mouth of the Cheese along with various other sources, he was more generous with other women in his life prior to meeting me.  I don't know, maybe it's because I "ruined his life", as he mentioned to me, that he was a little tight with me.

He also took and still takes trips.  He's allowed to, just like I am.  The thing I do not understand though, is that if you have a mini family, you would want them to go too!  At least, that's how I view it.  I, too, want to have solitude and be away from people, but I like to share my adventures and experiences with family.  He would say, "Oh, BTW - this weekend I'm going to Canada to see my cousin."  or "I'm going to Spain to see my sister" or "I'm going to the D.R. to see my parents" (when honestly he'd really go see an ex).  Who says that on a whim?  Maybe it was not a whim, but a carefully planned out thought and only brought up to me at the last minute because,  how am I going to pay for an international trip that costs more than $500?  How am I going to get a substitute to cover my classes in that short of a notice? I'm scratching my head on that one....

Also, how can you say, "I don't want to pay for a ticket to Disney"  when we live in the same state, only two hours away but yet go on international trips and spend over $500?  Explain that one to me.  How can you deny a child to go see one of his favorite cartoon characters simply because you hate the city in which the park is located or that you used to get in for free with your ex girlfriend  because she had a connection into the park?  I've never before in my life met such a skin flint.  He says that he never said that.  I have written a lot of this stuff down. I don't make this shit up. 

Another thing that actually makes me laugh inside is the fact that my former MIL would naturally defend her child. I mean, what mother wouldn't defend their kid, even when they know deep down their kid is completely wrong?  I know I would stand behind my son for all that.  In any case...when I was preparing to move out and I brought out all the boxes, she was frantic.  In Spanish she asked me if me moving out had anything to do with her, with them, etc.  I told her honestly that they were an itty bitty percentage, but that technically, her son needed to stop wearing a Man Costume, grow some balls and grow up!  I told her that living with her son(s) was actually more damaging to their integrity and maturity.  Her jaw dropped. I did apologize for offending her, but I told her that's how it was and that how it was going to be.  She insisted that when her and her husband came back from their trip that they would move out with their other son and that I would move back in. To that comment, I shrugged and said, "I'm just tired of living here. Tired of living with a man who doesn't want to do what's right. I want a real man, not a boy".  I still think deep down, she's in denial.  Bitch, please! Cut the fairy tale princess crap and lets move on!

It makes me sad to think that someone would want to not try as I had to keep that relationship going.  I used to sing, cook, clean the house because I was happy when I first moved in.  Years went by and I gradually became more and more depressed - not cleaning, no cooking - lethargy.  I can count on ONE HAND the amount of times I had sex in ONE YEAR with him.  I have a libido on rocket fuel, so imagine my despair!  I had to go buy toys to sate my sexual appetite.

I wanted to get married. I know at one point he wanted to get married too, but ever since he came back from the trip when our son was a newborn, did he change.  The thing that really pisses me off is that he told me he was still in love with his ex.  Who the hell tells a woman that has recently given birth to your child, along with admitting that he cheated on said ex-girlfriend like a serial killer?!  How can someone say they are in love when they cheat constantly?!  I don't get it.

All the women friends that he has in his life, he's slept with.  There's only one of that I can say I really genuinely like and can say that she is a really nice person/friend. I still continue my friendship with her because she is a genuine, kind hearted person and she's fun!  If I were to let something so small and trivial like his dick 15 or 16 years ago get in the way of my friendship, then that would be ridiculous on my part.  I would be the one that needs to grow up.

His other girl "friends" however, I have not been so lucky with.  One of them turned out to be our son's babysitter's daughter-in-law.  I could never put my finger on why I felt tense around her, nor why some things I had mentioned in confidence ended back in my conversation at the dinner table.  One day, the babysitter's daughter turned to me and said, "you know?  You're actually really nice!  I didn't think you were because ******** said that you were a b*tch.  I can see now that I was completely wrong about you, and I'm sorry for having made that assumption. I think it had to do with your man rejecting her many years ago."  And then, SNAP!  the light bulb came on.  It made perfect sense.  There were times when he would believe her over stuff that never happened or that I had said that was twisted.  He could never understand why I didn't like her.

When you break up with someone, you CUT TIES unless there's a permanent link tying you with that person. I will always have a lasso to this man because of our son.

I could never understand why the Ex would call and he would never politely say, " Hey, how's it going?  Okay, well, you have a nice day!".  Nope....they would spend hours on the phone.  Now while I know his dick doesn't reach across the Atlantic......heart strings do.

I wasted five years of my life with this man.  So why do I sometimes have doubts about leaving? 

Perhaps it was because I was too comfortable in my own house?  Who knows, but I do know this: I will not go back again this time.  I will not.  I will strive to give my son a better and happier life.  I will thrive on the moral support of my friends.  I will go out and meet people. I will marry someone who really loves me and who wants to have children - someone who is committed and who I feel is committed to me. And someone who wants me in the physical aspects as well as emotional ones.

There were times when I felt that he was the person that I met. The man that I fell in love with.  He still is at times. I think there are times he's sorry that we moved out.  Now that I'm out of the house, we're friendlier with one another. We try not to argue in front of our son.  We communicate more.  But jamás! (never again).  He's not a bad man, even though he can be hurtful.  It's just long and complicated. Stuff that I don't want to have to deal with ever again.

I never felt that commitment from him.  I always felt that uneasiness.....I can't describe it, but I'm sure that someone out there knows what I mean.  Perhaps it's not exactly marriage that I want.....I know it's just a piece of paper, but to me that signifies the cementing of your love.  Maybe what I need is just someone who is committed and is willing to take me how I am at the moment, kid, stretch marks and all.  Someone who will love me and accept me for the oddball that I am.  Someone who doesn't judge me for the silly things that come spouting out of my mouth at the last minute.



All I know is that I will triumph, with God's help.

I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman!

Okay, time to go to bed, now...


La Pirata